Hansel: Brother, Dad, Motek, Ishi
BROTHER Leigh was surprised when Hansel asked him to be his best man. The big guy had been milling around all fidgety and weird, looking nervous and like he was just trying to find shit to do. Kept trying to do yard work, but the yard was already fine, 'cause he was always out at the farmhouse roaming around like an overeager puppy anyhow. He finally blurted it out when they'd gone out to chop some wood, 'cause Hansl always seemed to wanna do that when he was feeling weird. "Hey, uh, uh," he said, worrying the axe handle in his hand. "So, uh, was thinkin'. Me an' Goro are gettin' hitched in a couple days, now." "Yup," Leigh said. Maybe he was getting cold feet. Not about marrying Goro, Leigh figured, but just about the wedding, or whatever. "Was thinkin'," Hansel said again. "Uh, d'you wanna be my best man, an' shit?" Leigh blinked at him a couple times, and then Hansel looked like he might throw up, so he answered real quick. "Yeah! Yeah. Uh, I mean, I figured you'd wanna ask Mishka, is all, or Raef." Hansel let out a big breath and his shoulders dropped the tension they'd been holding onto. "Ah, uh, y'know, uh. Mishka's doin' everything, takin' care of shit with the reception and whatnot, and I don't wanna …" He hesitated. "Don't wanna bring up bad feelin's for Raef, 'cause of his husband that died." For a moment Leigh wondered if his own feelings oughta be hurt, that he was Hansel's third choice, from the sounds of things. He wasn't bothered, though, really. More … flattered, 'cause they hadn't been back in each other's lives all that long, but he still ranked up high enough that Hansel thought of him third. So he grabbed Hansel in a hard hug, holding onto him, and felt the way Hansel hesitated before hugging him back not quite as hard. "I'd fucking love to," he said firmly. "It, um. Means a lot that you'd ask." "Yeah." Hansel sounded confused. "'Course. You're my brother." ### DAD Jonn sort of assigned himself the role of gopher when Hansel was getting ready for his wedding, 'cause he was good at it. He was fast. Plus, he'd seen Hansel nervous a lot, and he knew what to do about it. Usually, what you did about it was hug him. Leigh was probably supposed to be helping with this stuff, since he was the best man, but he sat at the desk looking just about as nervous as Hansel did, so Jonn took over. When Hansel stood still, looking at himself in the mirror and making those unhappy noises he made, Jonn hopped down to the kitchen to bring him a couple shots of the good whiskey and calm him down, while Marion patiently straightened up his clothes when he tugged at them like they didn't fit right. They were real nice clothes. Jonn had never seen Hansel looking that nice. And he didn't wanna get anything on them, so when Hansel's hands were a little shaky, Jonn held the one that the shot glass wasn't holding and squeezed it tight. He liked how Hansel was wearing jewelry again. It made him look more like himself. Younger, maybe. He played with Hansel's rings, and Hansel took a deep breath and knocked the first shot back. "You look real nice," Jonn said, trying to be helpful and encouraging. "Ehhh," Hansel said. He glanced in the mirror again, all wary like his reflection was gonna fuckin' attack him. "You think?" "Uh-huh." "Don't look like myself," he muttered. "Yeah, you do," Jonn insisted. He let go of Hansel's hand to stand on his toes and flick at his earrings. They were silver, for Selune, and had little red stones, for Mask. "I like these. Makes me think of your old ones. You look more like yourself." "You think?" he said doubtfully. "Uh-huh." Then when Hansel started pacing around and couldn't be still, Jonn just wrapped around him. Of course Hansel could pick him up and keep going, or shove him away, but it worked -- he huffed and stopped, instead, flopping down on the edge of the big bed, and Jonn cuddled up against him for a little while. Hansel kept messing with his hair, though, so after a moment Jonn scooted back behind him and started fingercombing it and smoothing it back into place, and Hansel had to just sit there and let it happen, 'cause he was real bad at pushing Jonn away. "Everything's gonna be okay," Jonn told him. "Yeah, I know," Hansel said. "Yeah, but, like, I mean it, Dad." "I know," Hansel said again. ### Luci felt very nervous about the wedding, and she was mad at herself about it. She knew that Hansel would be absolutely riddled with anxiety, and she didn't want them to exacerbate each others' issues, so she stayed away from him all morning. She busied herself snipping roses in Amari's garden, and frowning determinedly over the flower crown she was making for Goro in the kitchen. Tasks like these were supposed to be soothing, but Luci was not soothed. Jonn found her in the kitchen. "'Cha doin'?" "I'm making a crown of roses for Goro," she snapped. "'Kay." He pulled a chair over so he could reach up into Hansel's liquor cabinet. "Didn't you stop drinking?" Luci said sternly. "It's for Dad," he explained. "He's, like, nervous as fuck." She was grim. "I expected as much." He glanced at her over his shoulder. "What's up with you, achoti?" "Nothing." It came out snappy again, and for unintended emphasis, she snapped the stem of the rose she was working with. She let out an angry scoff and threw it down. Jonn climbed off his chair, set the whiskey aside, and came over. He nudged her hip and made her scoot to the side so he could half sit in her chair with her, and wrapped his arms around her waist tightly. It made her think of that odd blanket he'd bought Goro, and how he insisted it was like being hugged by Hansel. She didn't like being hugged, particularly. Sometimes it felt like she and Jonn were two halves of a whole, though, and when they were together, it was okay. She grumbled and hugged him back, turning to rest her chin on his shoulder. "What's wrong?" he asked again. "I'm nervous," she admitted. "How come?" She clicked her tongue and scoffed again. Luci did not enjoy acknowledging when things were difficult for her. She didn't want to rely on anyone, not even Jonn -- maybe especially not Jonn. Maybe she wanted to be whole on her own. Sometimes she felt like she had to prove things, but she didn't really know who she was trying to prove them to, and all she did know was that it was … harder, sometimes, since she'd left the Sanctuary. "I don't know," she said reluctantly. "I just … I really want, um. I want everything to be perfect. This flower crown isn't good enough. Goro isn't going to like it." Jonn looked at it, letting go of her with one hand to carefully turn it over and check it out. "Uh, yeah he will." "No, he won't. It isn't perfect. And he -- he doesn't like things like this, anyway." "'Kay, but, he's not gonna care if it's not perfect. And I bet he's gonna like it just 'cause you made it. People like stuff like that." "Well," she said, frustrated. "Well, it still isn't good enough." He hugged her tight. She didn't enjoy that like he did, but she knew his intention was to comfort her the way that it would comfort him, and knowing his intention did comfort her, somehow. After a moment, she mumbled, "Hansel will be upset that I'm not with him." "Nuh-uh." "I want to be," she protested, as if that were the point he was arguing. "But I'm nervous, and I don't want to make him more nervous." "Luci, it's okay. Honestly, like, me and Leigh and Marion are all up there, and Larkin's popping in and out, and I dunno if he even realizes anybody's there when we're not talking to him. He's that freaked out." "Maybe I could calm him down." "He doesn't like people using magic on him," Jonn reminded her. *Well, I want to help!" she objected. He squeezed her again and kissed the top of her head, the way Hansel would. "You're gonna marry them. Like … it's okay, achoti. You're doing the most important part of this whole thing." She made a frustrated sound. Later, Mishka tracked her down and told her the plan -- how he had set up a scavenger hunt for Hansel, and Goro once Hansel found him. She was meant to be found at the Sanctuary, and it would likely be some time before Hansel got to her, so she nodded and told Mishka that she wanted to run upstairs and see Hansel for a moment, first. He looked odd. Somehow younger, like he used to before the shipwreck -- but older, too. She had suggested, when he asked, that he wear white, gray, silver, or pale blue to symbolize Selune, but she was quite sure she'd never actually seen him in white. Certainly she'd never seen him in such well-kept clothes. Presumably Mishka had taken care of that. Presumably, Mishka had also talked him out of wearing his bandolier with his tridents on it, which she wasn't sure she'd ever seen him without, frankly. The silver trident was always on his back when she pictured him, and the black and red shield. But that was an old image. It had been for some time. Mature, she thought. Perhaps that was the word. He didn't … he didn't look like the storm that had blown into port a few times a year, when she was younger, disrupting her and Jonn's lives, loud and drunk and always with fresh scars and new, gruesome stories. He looked jittery, but not dangerous. Just nervous. Scared, not scary. Luci stood up as tall as she could and hugged him around the neck fiercely. "I love you, Dad." He hesitated and hugged her back, not quite as hard. "I love you, too, kid." ### MOTEK Marion didn't want to leave Hansel's side. She trusted Mishka's judgement that Hansel would enjoy the scavenger hunt, but part of her wanted to say that Leigh could wait out at the farmhouse, and she would simply follow along with Hansel the entire time. It made her feel like a bit of a spoilsport, though, so she went along with it. Mishka knew her son better than she did. She trusted him to know best. It was just that -- any time Hansel left the farmhouse to come back to the castle, or any time she left the castle to go back to the farmhouse, she looked at his face for a moment and memorized how he looked. Just in case it was the last time. She was keenly aware that any time might be the last time, and she didn't want to waste any of it, but she didn't want to be a bother, either. She had taken his measurements and tailored his suit to fit him perfectly, and it made her remember stitching his clothes for him when he was young, and growing so fast. Adjusting hemlines and letting out seams. Still, he was fidgety in the clothes -- they were nice, sturdy, but elegant after a fashion, and he seemed to think they didn't fit him. Not literally, but in a more figurative sense. He acted like he didn't know how to behave in them. She kept patiently fixing his cuffs and pulling his lapels even. Jonn helped for some time, then said he needed to go do something for Luci, and Larkin gave him a final pat on the back (which he turned into a hug) before going to sit with Goro, and Leigh gave him a hug, as well, before sneaking away to the farmhouse. Poor Leigh hadn't been much use anyway, bless his heart. He looked a little relieved to be able to get away for a while. The excitement rattled him. So it was just Hansel and Marion, for a spell. "Stop looking in the mirror," she said firmly. "You look fine, sweetheart. You look very handsome." "Ehhh," he said, which was about what she had expected, but he let her angle him away from the mirror, and come sit on the bed, again. He worried his knuckles together, and spun the ring with the sun on it. "What if I'm makin' a mistake, Mom?" he asked after a beat, softly. She stroked his hair back. "About what, sweetheart?" He ducked his head, as if he were ashamed. "What if he changes his mind? Realizes this is all -- all a huge fuckin' mistake? An' -- what if he don't even fuckin' show, 'cause -- 'cause --." "Hansel." He kept looking down, hands twisting. "Hansel, baby, look at me." He did, reluctantly, and his expression was just the same as it had been when he was young -- twenty years ago, when he was narrower and scarless, and couldn't really grow a beard yet, and all of his hair was as black as hers had once been. Those eyes were the same. She held his face. "That's not going to happen," she said calmly. "Goro loves you so much. That isn't a mistake. It isn't going to change." She stroked his cheekbones with her thumbs. "You're going to step out there and see him, and he's going to be just as handsome as you are, and he's going to be just as happy as you are, and --" she smiled -- "he's going to be just as nervous as you are. And you'll be together. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay." He sort of whimpered and pulled her into a hug, hiding his face against her shoulder. Marion didn't cry; she wouldn't allow it. She never did. But she blinked rapidly as she petted her son's hair. "I promise, motek," she told him. ### ISHI Hansel saw Goro in the gazebo, surrounded by roses, in his black robes and his red shawl and flower crown, and all at once, all of the fear just melted away. It'd helped, picking up Theo and Raef and Larkin along the way. Mishka knew he liked having shit to do, and problems to solve, and keeping himself occupied kept the nerves at bay, and having Theo up on his shoulders and Raef and Larkin beside him just generally made it hard to not grin and have a good time. But he still had that … thing. That thing in the back of his head like an itch he couldn't scratch, a stain that wouldn't come out. That thing whispering how it was all gonna go wrong. He wasn't gonna really fucking go through with this, was he? It was fucking ludicrous he'd ever gotten Mishka, and gotten to have Goro as much as he had. There was no goddamn way this was gonna just happen. Couldn't be allowed. Right? It all became real when he saw Goro, though. It all became … Okay. ### There was nothing as good as a wedding, Hansel thought. Not a goddamn thing. Getting all the people he loved in one place, and making sure they all had good food and drink, and all had a good time. He'd like his and Mishka's wedding the best, he'd always thought -- the quiet ceremony under the stars and magic lights, their crew around them. Hunter and Serena's wedding had been good too, and so had Raef and Griffin's, but he'd figured, nah, nothing would match his and Mishka's, for him, 'cause he was the fucking one getting married. Never really occurred to him that he might just goddamn get married again. The vow renewal, that had been good, too, but it'd been calm -- it'd been -- contentment, and sureness, and safety. It was like a shield around their marriage. But this, ah, fuck -- this. Marrying Goro made him giddy. He couldn't stop grinning. He was never going to fucking let go of Goro. (Husband. Ish. Husbands.) Was pretty sure he didn't, for the entire reception, and he didn't when the island was empty and quiet again, either. He managed to keep himself in check every time he got the urge to push Goro back against the jutting black stones, or push him down in the sand, or roll on top of him, but once the kids and the others were off the island -- after the sun had gone down -- he didn't have to anymore. Could shove his hands into Goro's pretty clothes -- ah, so handsome, and so happy, too, and so nervous; Marion had been right, earlier -- and feel every inch of his skin. Ishi. Ishi. His husband's skin. Goro giggled -- god, so cute, and he kept doing it today, too -- and insisted they get naked, like Hansel was gonna fight him on it. Hansel would have put down a blanket on the sand, but Goro wanted to be under his heavy blanket, and Hansel was fucking powerless. His gorgeous, deific, bright-eyed husband with roses in his wild hair tugged on his hand, and wanted to stargaze on the still-warm sand, and Hansel followed helplessly. It was the strangest thing, to feel weak, and not feel afraid. They didn't get a lot of stargazing done, really. They got a lot of giggling done, and a little sniffling, but the good kind, the happy kind, the disbelieving kind. It hadn't felt real, right up until the moment Hansel saw Goro in that gazebo. But that was just how it had been before -- the time they'd spent on this island, and on the ship to Calisham, none of it seemed real until Goro came back (came home) tawny and without warm enough clothes, and Hansel had seen him sitting there as the sun set, all by himself. He whispered about it, reminding Goro of that first kiss after the month apart. "Told myself I was gonna play it cool," he said. "But then I saw you. Couldn't help myself." He curled his fingers into the hair at the nape of Goro's neck, just like he had that evening. And he was just a little drunk, like he had been that evening. And he kissed Goro long and hard, like he had that evening. "Was worried you might not … ah, y'know. You held onto me, though," he murmured. "Kissed back. Like you wanted it. I missed you." Kept murmuring between kisses. "Missed you. Always miss you, chatichi. Even just when you step 'round a corner." He remembered Goro explaining that he liked it too much. Liked Hansel too much. But here they fucking were, now. "Ishi," Hansel whispered, arms around Goro's back, holding him and protecting him and loving him, as close as two people could be. "My love, my sun." He tasted wine and whiskey and chocolate on Goro's lips. "Ishi." ### He cried, later. He didn't mean to. He gave Goro a couple more kisses and went to grab the snacks Mishka had left for them, and the night air was cool on his skin, and he looked up at the stars for a long moment and sort of … broke. Something in him ached keenly, and snapped like clinging spiderweb vines releasing, one at a time, and some part of him that he didn't even really know that he had just -- drifted away. It felt like a pressure being released, a weight being lifted. A scab being scratched off. It hurt like a motherfucker, but he was mostly crying because it felt so fucking good to be rid of it -- he'd forgotten what it was like to not have it there all the time. He'd forgotten he hadn't always had it, forgotten there was a time when he'd just been happy, and hopeful, and unafraid. He'd forgotten he could be that way, and it was this deep, visceral, raw feeling to realize not just that he could feel that way again, but that he did feel that way again. He probably didn't get the depth of the feeling across to Goro too well, but it was okay, because Goro crawled into his lap and held his face and stroked his hair, and whispered to him urgently and reassuringly. Goro always said such nice fucking things to him, and it made him cry more, and laugh, too, because it just felt so good. It felt so good to have things. He managed to get that out, eventually. He wasn't graceful about it, snorting back tears and scrubbing at his eyes, but he got there -- voice all broken and about hiccuping. "Just -- just never thought I'd -- have this again." He gasped in a shaky breath. "Lost everything." Goro was sitting up real straight on his lap from cradling Hansel's head to his chest, and Hansel looked up at him, at the star-specked sky behind him. "Didn't -- didn't really think I could … could find it again." He buried his face in Goro's chest. He just hadn't thought there were so many good things in the world to be had. He didn't know how many chances he got, how lucky he could be to keep getting them. It all seemed fucking unreal. It seemed impossible. The fact that he got to have Goro seemed impossible, but it … wasn't. And it dawned on Hansel, like the rising sun cresting a hill and illuminating the world, that realizing that was real fucking important. Category:Vignettes